Losing Yourself in Motherhood: How Hormones, the Brain, and Identity Shift After Baby

Filling your cup up in Motherhood, a balancing act

If you’ve ever said, “I don’t even recognize myself since becoming a mom,” you’re not alone.

The experience of losing yourself in motherhood isn’t just emotional. It’s biological, neurological, and existential. And while it may feel deeply unsettling, this transition is also a gateway to meaningful transformation.

What It Really Means to “Lose Yourself” in Motherhood

I recently had the opportunity to contribute to a powerful article in Scary Mommy titled "Have We Forgotten Who We Were Before Kids?" exploring the identity crisis many moms face postpartum. In the piece, I shared:

"The feeling of 'losing yourself' after having a baby is not only real, it's expected. What we often label as 'losing yourself' is a profound psychological and biological transition. After birth, hormone levels like estrogen and progesterone drop dramatically, while stress hormones remain high, and oxytocin — the bonding/cuddling hormone — surges. You're not just tired or overwhelmed; your entire system is being rewired to care for a new life."

How Motherhood Rewires the Brain: The Neuroscience Behind the Shift

The postpartum period isn’t just exhausting — it’s transformational. During pregnancy and after birth, your body undergoes a cascade of hormonal changes:

• Estrogen and progesterone plummet rapidly after delivery.

• Cortisol, your primary stress hormone, remains elevated.

• Oxytocin, known as the “bonding hormone,” surges to help you attune to your baby’s needs.

But the changes go beyond hormones. Recent neuroscience research has shown that:

🧠 MRI scans reveal structural changes to the maternal brain (especially in regions tied to empathy, social cognition, and emotional regulation).

🧠 Grey matter shrinks in certain areas, not because you’re “losing brain cells,” but because your brain is becoming more efficient and baby-focused.

🧠 Emotional centers of the brain become heightened, making you more sensitive to your environment. And, unfortunately, also more prone to feeling anxious and preoccupied.

Matrescence: The Missing Framework for Understanding This Transformation

And yet, it’s not just biology. The identity crisis many women experience after having a baby is also existential.

"The roles, routines, and sense of self that once anchored you may no longer fit. It's not simply hormonal; it's existential. You're in a space between who you were and who you're becoming. And while that can feel disorienting, motherhood also cracks you open in a way that lends itself to deep and meaningful transformation."

This transition has a name: matrescence, which is the process of becoming a mother. Like adolescence, it’s a time of rapid, disorienting change that touches every part of you (body, brain, soul, identity, and relationships).

Rebuilding Your Sense of Self After Baby

Here’s the reframe I want every mom to hear:

You didn’t just lose yourself. You are in the process of transformation, of becoming.

You’re not broken for missing the person you used to be. You’re grieving. You’re rebuilding. You’re navigating a new version of you. One who deserves just as much care, attention, and compassion as the child you’re raising.

And that’s exactly what therapy can support.

You’re Not Alone: How Therapy Can Help You Navigate Postpartum Identity Shifts

If you’re feeling lost in the swirl of early motherhood — whether you’re newly postpartum or months (even years) in — know this: the feeling is common, but it doesn’t have to be your forever.

At Manhattan Modern Therapy, I work with moms navigating the identity shifts of matrescence, postpartum anxiety and depression, birth trauma, and more. Together, we make space for the you who’s emerging, not just the one who’s overwhelmed.

✨ Motherhood cracks you open — and that opening can be the start of something deeply powerful.

Schedule a call with a therapist today.